Aitch Alberto: Walking Through Your Truth — The Power of Delusional Confidence and Authentic Self-Love

Melissa Bauknight: 0:07

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Melissa Bauknight: 0:30

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Melissa Bauknight: 0:39

This is the Inner Rebel podcast. I was like I think she's starting, but it's.

Aitch Alberto: 0:52

It only matters when the camera is on.

Jessica : 0:57

I was saying that I feel a little bit emotional. We met very, very briefly in a weird little context, but I was really moved by the brief interaction that we had. I just kept thinking about you for this and I feel so lucky that you said yes and that you're here today. Thank you for saying yes and showing up. I'm very excited to share with our listeners who is sitting with us today.

Jessica : 1:25

We have Aitch Alberto, who is a writer director born and raised in Miami. She has written on the upcoming Mac series Duster from JJ Abrams and Latoya Morgan. She has also served as a writer on Apple TV's anthology series Little America from Lee Eisenberg and Sean Heder. H has adapted and directed the New York Times bestselling young adult novel Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Saenz into a film produced by Lin-Manuel Miranda and Eugenio Derbez. The film premiered at the Toronto International Film Festival last year My Hometown and will be exclusively in theaters this summer. H was named one of Variety's 10 Directors to Watch for 2022 and IndieWire's 22 Rising Female Filmmakers and most recently, vogue Polan named her one of this generation's defining female voices in filmmaking. We are so excited to have you with us. Thank you for being here. H.

Aitch Alberto: 2:29

Thank you so much for having me. This is so exciting. I remember our very brief interaction, but it stayed with me as well, so when you reached out, it was a no-brainer to say yes. So thank you for thinking of me, yes.

Jessica : 2:42

I know if you've listened at all to this podcast, but we tend to dive deep right off the top And you have adapted a book into a film. So I went and looked a little bit into that book And on the first page of Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe, it's written. The problem with my life was that it was someone else's idea And this ties so deeply into the entire theme of this podcast And we usually ask all our guests the question and you can answer this in any way that you want. Who are you And how is that different from who you thought or were told you were supposed to be?

Aitch Alberto: 3:26

Such a loaded question but it's also so easy. I think one of my greatest achievements and what I'm most proud of is who I am and knowing who I am now and owning that fully and as authentically as possible. That was not an easy journey. I was born into a Cuban American household in Miami which is very rooted in toxic masculinity.

Aitch Alberto: 3:53

My dad, being of immigrant parents, was definitely someone who lived in survival mode. So he became a drug dealer and then became a fugitive And we lived on the run with him for eight years And through that time I always I was assigned male at birth but always knew that didn't align with who I was in the world and who I felt inside. But the world was telling me I was wrong for feeling that way. So you start to believe that and then you add, like these cultural elements to it, that you're just like oh, there really is something wrong with me And you try to hold on to this version that other people want you to be until you realize you can't die that way and you have to, like, walk through that truth no matter what you lose. So that to answer that question that's exactly who I am today was getting to a moment, really late in life, where I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without at least giving myself a chance.

Melissa Bauknight: 4:57

And I did. I love that. You said one of my greatest achievements is knowing who I am, and it's so beautiful because when we read your bio, you're obviously doing incredible things from a more traditional success standpoint But I love that that was your reflection is my greatest achievement is actually me and knowing me.

Aitch Alberto: 5:14

Well, none of that would have been possible at all without knowing who I was and owning that truth, and it took me like a long time to have that success on paper, always knowing that I had some sort of talent and that my voice was worth being heard. But I would always circle a drain of success and things wouldn't manifest. I started seeing color when I just owned my identity, and then everything started to come in, my career started to take off, i said yes to myself And then the world was saying yes to me.

Aitch Alberto: 5:43

And so it's just like it's really trippy to kind of think of it that way, because you're just like I could fake it, i could be this thing that everybody wants me to be, and then you realize you can't, because it's just diminishing who you really are.

Melissa Bauknight: 5:57

Yeah, yeah.

Jessica : 5:59

Well, I feel like we need to unpack every layer of what you just said. But let's go back to what you said about your family. You said that your father was in the drug trade and he was a fugitive for a long time, and so you were on the road for eight years as a kid. So what was that like, and how did having that kind of experience as a child shape your world view today?

Aitch Alberto: 6:25

It was really intense, right, But that's only in hindsight and reflecting back on it. In the moment It felt completely normal. I didn't know any different. I was like everybody's family was like on the run and going to like vacation spots and like sort of like hiding out. You just don't know. You knew something was off, but… I credit my mother and my grandmother with trying to root it in love as much as possible and be a constant throughout the chaos. That was my childhood. But it was only as an adult where I was like oh wait, how is this living in my body, where I'm hyper-vigilant, hyper-paranoid, I don't trust people, I'm resistant to get close. Chaos feels normal to me. Why does that? Why I've been revisiting all of what was, which is no one's fault. I say that now after tons of therapy. It's what I was familiar with and it's informed how I moved in the world and especially how I moved with people.

Jessica : 7:26

You said that you have obviously worked through that a lot in therapy, but are there pieces of that, remnants of that, that you still feel you're navigating through now?

Aitch Alberto: 7:34

I feel like I don't always be there. Something that's also been really enlightening for me is there's no arrival at anything, there's no fixing anything. It's sort of like how do you learn to live with it and have a different relationship with whatever that thing is? for the individual, that makes it a little easier. So I don't think I'll ever get rid of any of those things. They definitely come up a lot. They just don't consume me anymore and they don't leave my emotions. Does that make sense?

Jessica : 8:06

It makes perfect sense.

Melissa Bauknight: 8:08

Yeah, it makes a lot of sense.

Jessica : 8:09

I saw an interview with you where you talk about the film and you said that one of the themes is how do you go through the journey of trying to be who your parents want you to be and who your soul calls you to be, and how does their trauma affect the way that you navigate the world? So I'm wondering if you can speak to that a little more and how that question has shown up for you in your life.

Aitch Alberto: 8:30

That was a big moment. It's sort of like as adults I'm sure we all have that moment of like, oh shit. Like our parents are just human and you humanize them and then you start looking at the bigger picture of everything, of everything that their life was informed by, and how they make decisions and how like really they didn't know much and they were doing their best right. And then you start like unpacking that further and you're like, oh shit, i'm carrying stuff that's not even mine, which goes into the conversation of like generational trauma and like all of that.

Aitch Alberto: 9:02

And when it comes to people of color or like immigrants, it's really present because I think we live with this scarcity mentality. So like it's just such a layered journey that takes a minute to sort of negotiate with and make peace with. But like if you could find the compassion and not personalize it, it makes it a little easier. But that took me a long time. I'm not going to say my real life, it was on Monday, but it took me a really long time. And it still comes up and I see it and I look at my parents I don't speak to my father at this point. I look at my parents and I just have so much compassion and I'm so grateful for what they tried to do And it was like the best version of that, you know.

Melissa Bauknight: 9:45

Yeah, yeah, i think it's a lifetime journey. For sure, it's not something that happens overnight and it's something that's always. It's always living with us, always.

Aitch Alberto: 9:53

Yeah, and it takes a lot of like forgiveness too, which I never thought I would reach that point.

Aitch Alberto: 9:59

You know, it was my decision to not speak to my father anymore.

Aitch Alberto: 10:01

It was not something that was adding to my life, because for so long, in trying to live as a version of what he wanted me to be or what he thought I should be, i was waiting for a version of him that he was incapable of ever achieving because he would have to do so much work around it. That I think is too painful for people like him to sit with, and my door is always open and I'm ready to receive him. I just don't think that I'll ever get that And the version of a dad that I thought I would get from him I'll never get, which is fine, but he also needs to meet me halfway And I think sometimes we're like we're stuck with family forever and it's no, you're not. You're stuck with their DNA and what they've influenced, but you don't have to be in something that doesn't fulfill you or add to your life, and I feel really sad because he's missing out on probably the best version of who I am And I'm so similar to him.

Melissa Bauknight: 10:59

When you started the process of making the film, you said that you were delusional and telling yourself that you were already being authentic. And so what happened inside of you and what started to get really loud that had you go towards more of a truer version of you.

Aitch Alberto: 11:12

That's my motto. by the way, it's like delusional confidence is what sort of gets me through the world, and I highly recommend it to everyone.

Melissa Bauknight: 11:21

I think I have that too.

Aitch Alberto: 11:24

It's like no one's going to be there to tell you how to do it or to like root for you. You kind of like got to be your biggest fan, which adds to delusion. So, yeah, it was that what I was wanting to project wasn't aligning what I was feeling internally, so I couldn't aspire to have a platform and be able to navigate this story and not authentically be living in the world. As such, it was counterintuitive. As an artist to it would feel fraudulent, it would feel like it would be insincere. And because it was like a truth that I always lived with, i guess this story and the reality of it, like coming closer to being something real and wanting to show up for it fully, was what was becoming loud and undeniable.

Jessica : 12:08

You have said that when things weren't working for you as a filmmaker, you felt the sense of desperation in your household to make it.

Jessica : 12:17

And as an actress and being part of the same industry, i really relate to that. And there were times in my life where I found that I had to really watch the tendency to assume that if it isn't happening for me right away on my timeline the way that I think it should, that it isn't meant for me, that the universe must be telling me that it's never going to happen. So I'm curious why didn't you stop? Why didn't you pack it up? Why did you keep going? How did you keep going? And now that you're living your dream, what perspective could you offer to those who are still in that struggle, that desperation to get to do what they love in an industry that, at least from this side of things, seems to hold a lot of the power?

Aitch Alberto: 12:58

There's a lot to that. That was a lot of questions in one.

Aitch Alberto: 13:03

There's 10 questions in one. That's where the delusional confidence came in right, this knowing in myself that I didn't know one, i didn't know how, but it had to happen because I just like deeply felt it, like on a spiritual, visceral level, and it was something that I always felt And even if no one around me could see it or no one around me believed it, i existed with this, almost like knowing something that people didn't know And that was like I meant for something. I don't know what that looks like yet, but I'm going to continue to follow that and really trust that. And when it gets really hard, i'm just going to revisit that feeling, especially like the younger version of me, when, like, your dreams start to formulate, because that's where I always go back. It's like people are jaded when they talk about the Oscars and sure it's bullshit, but at the end of the day, if you revisit that child that would watch that and that was the aspiration, it's motivated to right. So, like, i'm constantly revisiting that version of me, because life makes you jaded and adds all these other things and it happens and you forget, like, what the dream was.

Aitch Alberto: 14:10

So that was like a real North Star for me, but I knew what was holding me back. I knew where the desperation was coming from. It was me hoping that I would have a break, or that someone would see my talent and give me permission to continue to exist in like a fake, alternate version of who I could be Right. So it's like if I could find success, it would validate this false version that I'm existing in the world right Because I'll have at least one thing that I truly want and everything else I'll just have to make do with. But then I knew, on top of that, i wasn't going to ever get that because I wasn't being authentic, because, as a trans person, it was something that I thought about every single day.

Aitch Alberto: 15:01

And the desperation was coming from the please save me from having to walk through this thing. that is like consuming my life, you know. So it was a fix. I was desperate for it to be the answer, but also subconsciously knew, and very consciously knew, that I would never, ever get the answer unless I walk through that truth. I hope that makes sense. That makes sense. So it's like I needed to live authentically in order for my dreams to come true, and it wouldn't have worked any other way, and maybe it has for other people, but this sort of like always implodes on itself, right?

Melissa Bauknight: 15:34

Yeah.

Jessica : 15:34

Yeah, Were you putting it off because of that, Like what was your tactic to avoid? I guess your truth.

Aitch Alberto: 15:40

Yeah, i was like in relationships that I probably shouldn't have been in. I was trying to hold on to finding some sort of normalcy because it's like, oh, a gay relationship is more acceptable than being a trans woman in the world, which is very true and still is. But it wasn't about the world anymore, it was about me, and I remember when I made the decision of doing it, it took me a minute to tell my mother, but I ran the risk of her walking away from me and I was okay with that and I needed to be okay with that in order to make that decision and say it out loud. I was willing to kind of lose it all in order to like exist happily. And I describe it as like finally seeing color, like everything Pleasantville like everything just starts to feel normal and it makes sense. And you're like, oh shit, this is how other people live and I've wasted that some amount of time not doing that for myself, you know.

Aitch Alberto: 16:35

And when it comes to arriving at your dreams, that's where I realized, oh shit, there is no arrival at anything. Me being in a writer's room isn't the answer. I haven't made it. Me like making this movie isn't the answer. It's all pieces of like of what the answer looks like when you reach the end of that you know and we don't know what that is. So that gave me a lot of freedom of oh, i'm always gonna want something more. It's always gonna evolve, it's gonna be hard and it happens to all filmmakers. Like, whether you're successful or not, it looks the same but different, like the dollar amount changes, but you're still in the hustle, you're still trying to get the next movie made. It just like keeps evolving and I think it's the way we mystify our dreams.

Aitch Alberto: 17:20

That, like I really want to tell people it is that, but it's also really real and it's really painful, and because you're negotiating with the reality and the dream and then it just doesn't always look exactly how you think it is, but it's okay because you're there. That, to me, has been. I'm still working through that now. That's still like I don't know what that is. It's fucking weird because it's like you have like I was making so much money and then everything that's happening now in the industry. I'm not. So you're just there's so many variables to what I do and what you do and you just have to kind of like learn that that's gonna always be there, unless you're like super loaded and have been successful a really long time and know how to invest your money and are not a person of color whose dad is not a drug dealer, and you know about stocks and like savings and like all of these things that create generational wealth and, like I had no clue about them, just learning in real time, you know.

Aitch Alberto: 18:17

So, there's just like a lot of things that go into success that are not what you often think they are, and that's why comparing yourself to people is not a healthy thing to do. in any capacity They can motivate you. The perception of success is what we want it to be, not necessarily what the truth is behind closed doors.

Melissa Bauknight: 18:35

You just said so many valuable things in that share and I want to take it back to the beginning of what you were talking about, of having this vision, this desire, and that the desire couldn't come true until you actually stepped into who. You were Right, and I'm not in the film industry. I've been in corporate, i'm a coach, i run communities and I work with a lot of women who particularly want to step into the highest expression of their souls work and so I think what you're speaking to is actually something that applies to all of us who want to have this big soul desire to do something really important, and we're very clear that we're being pulled towards something, and people usually come to me or, even if they're not working with me, they're trying to do what you were doing. I've done the same thing. Where they go for the job, the external success point, like that's when I'll make it, and you cannot bypass yourself in the process.

Melissa Bauknight: 19:26

You just cannot do it, and walking through the fire is fucking painful and we all have to do it in our own way in order to find that expression of ourself, to become the person that can hold the dream. But if you want to just go for the dream and avoid the becoming. You're always going to fall short and wonder why the fuck am I not getting the thing? So I wanted to just point that out because I think the becoming piece is hard. It's hard fucking work and it requires a daily commitment to self and it requires a lot of courage and a lot of bravery to do that. So I think it's an incredibly relatable story to anybody with a bigger dream.

Aitch Alberto: 20:01

Yeah, no, that's so true and it's ugly. It's so ugly and it's so painful and I think we don't talk about that enough, we're not honest about that enough, and I really want to be for all women, for women like me, to just realize like it's okay to be messy, it's okay to get it wrong, it's okay to be in your feelings and be emotional and be crazy and be all of these things, as long as you're visiting that and trying to unpack the why around that. I'm a hyper aware person because of my childhood, which is like a blessing and a curse, right. So I think there is some people that can fake it. I'm not one of those people. you know so and I'm happy I'm not. That's one of the things that I'm like yeah, all right, cool, like accept this version of who I am or this part of me.

Melissa Bauknight: 20:45

I wonder if the faking it though, because there's a difference of faking it and making it and actually enjoying what you have created and feeling fulfilled and feeling happy. So I think, if you're faking it, my opinion is you're probably missing that piece.

Aitch Alberto: 21:00

Sure, but I do think that I fake it all the fucking time. You know, you're just like showing up like I'm not in a good mood today but I'm gonna get there, you know. Yeah, but it's this sort of really being honest with yourself, which I think there is people in the world and maybe men are better at this but avoiding you're just like avoiding the truth, you're avoiding the emotion, you're avoiding the reality of it is so you sort of put a band-aid. I think the world exists that way. It's sort of like speaking about gender period, like even like a variance of what that is.

Aitch Alberto: 21:29

We have been taught that there's this binary. It's really easy to believe that binary, so anything that sort of disrupts that ideology is scary for people to sit with, and that's exactly what's happening now on a global level when it comes to, like, trans people in the world. So, yeah, i think people could avoid the truth and exist and everything's fine. It's like a sugar baby. I wish I could fucking do that. I can't, you know, i need, i need to like to do and hopefully has deep pockets. I look at women like that and like I admire it. It's this level of avoidance that like I don't exist with you know.

Jessica : 22:04

So no judgment, it's just yeah, one of the things we were talking about was desire and needing external achievements. I have tried in my life to reframe desire that rather than experience desire to mean that I want this because when I get it I will be complete or my life will be better or will fix me or will fix my life, you know, feel like I have arrived once I have it. I now see desire as an indication of the experiences that you're drawn to, so that it actually encompasses the whole journey. We pick the thing that is actually going to take us through the exact set of experiences or the exact initiation that we need to come into wholeness, to come into our authenticity. We almost like directly, face the challenges intentionally, i think that's it right.

Aitch Alberto: 22:57

It's the acceptance, that desire or reframing of the narrative, that desire is like the answer versus the motivation. So I could desire to be a famous actress or an actress period, And it's just a catalyst, a motivation, not the answer. And it's like how are you sort of being present to the experience? Because I think to be a good actor you have to really allow yourself to live and feel and do all these things. So if the motivation and the goal is to be an actor, everything along that journey to your point informing that With the writing and the directing, I'm always reading like what's informing my next project, How am I hearing the people that I interact with as potential influences, stories that I want to tell?

Aitch Alberto: 23:47

How am I being present for my life, to experience it, to then inform my desire, right? So then you're fully experiencing life as much as you can. I think I write because I'm absolutely fascinated with human dynamics, especially male, female ones, especially when it comes to love, especially when it comes to dating as a trans woman in the world and being desired by men that don't know how to exist beside you.

Aitch Alberto: 24:20

If you start looking at your life on how can my life inform my desire, then it all is informing the bigger picture. So there's no wasted time. You're sort of always living in the truth of what your desire is, because it's informing the ultimate goal.

Jessica : 24:39

I think trust or desire is a powerful fuel. If we try to shut our desire down, it's like killing our life force right. It shuts down an important part of us. It's giving us information about the journey that we want to go on in this life.

Aitch Alberto: 24:54

Often see it in artists mostly in artists that didn't follow that path I'll meet people that are like, oh, i'm doing this thing and I'm making money, but really I wish I was painting, really I wish I was playing instruments. It's usually your soul is calling to you in some way and I think that you could hold all of it. You don't have to be one thing or the other. So I think when we negate our desires, our dreams, whatever name you want to put on it, there's always going to be a void in us. And the other thing that I think that I'm really passionate about is allowing your ugly, like whatever that is, like your trauma, to be your superpower and your answer.

Aitch Alberto: 25:36

My ugly was this thing that I thought was holding me back, but it was really the answer to what I was aspiring to be. So that was really revealing to me. I'm like, oh, the thing that I've been trying to avoid is the fucking answer. Always this It always is. So I think, once we allow that to sort of creep its way in gently because I think everybody goes through that on their own whatever that is for you, i also refused at this point in my life to let my identity be my whole identity, my transness, is this much of my life. I'm like a woman who happens to be trans, who happens to be a writer, who happens to be a really dope soul to exist in the world and who I share my time with, who I give my energy to, is also really specific at this point in my life. So I think I'm really proud of that. I'm really proud of the not needing to search for answers in other people or validation.

Jessica : 26:35

I'm wondering if you can speak emotionally to the process of answering your soul's call. You mentioned earlier that, even getting to the point that you could sit with your mother and be okay if she turned away I think it's true for all of us that our authentic selves are on the other side of what we're most afraid of. but the actual process to get to the point that you have cultivated enough courage but also are okay enough within yourself to do whatever it is you need to do for you. I'm just wondering if you can invite us into how you were able to finally get there.

Aitch Alberto: 27:13

I've been really angry. I will not anymore. But like I was really angry, i was really sad. I was really aggressive. It would manifest in these ugly ways. I was like, oh shit, but this is not really who I am. I'm sort of this gentle person but the world is talking that I need to protect myself from it. I'm still negotiating that because I've hardened that.

Aitch Alberto: 27:35

I think a lot of women do because of the way we have to exist in the world constantly, in our masculine energy, we're constantly in survival mode. So that's something that is really painful and having the awareness around that Maybe helped me a lot. Like constantly searching for answers. I mean, i was in abusive relationships where I was on the receiving end and also the aggressor. There's been so much ugly that I've allowed myself to go through trying to avoid something that was again always the answer. I think I needed to push myself to the ugliest to realize that wasn't how I want to exist in the world, because it wasn't fulfilling my soul and the higher version of myself. It was just undeniable.

Aitch Alberto: 28:22

So it was a lot of chronic, a lot of really toxic behavior, a lot of using my body in ways that I thought would validate me, finding and seeking validation in other people, especially men, like yeah, anything that you could imagine I've done, and it's like a constant, especially in trans women, where not only are you having this conversation with yourself but the world is also having it for you And you're like the bottom of the barrel in so many communities and on this global scale where you're like being invalidated constantly is really painful.

Aitch Alberto: 29:01

So a lot of trans women seek out ways of being validated that are not healthy to the bigger picture of your life and it has nothing to do with sex work. It has to do with what you're accepting And then you're affirming the way the world is perceiving you. But you want to be seen for like an hour And that's a really painful sort of thing to not have readily available or not think is an option for you. It's not easy for me to date in the world, but there are people that like, if you set your boundaries and I think the supplies to everyone will meet you there, and I can't see enough how Much better it is to be alone than in bad company, and that takes a long time, a long time to realize that, but finding yourself for it is everything.

Aitch Alberto: 29:51

So yeah, it's really it's been really, really painful, really painful, and it still is, and I still waiver. These dark thoughts come in and I know I hear like younger folks Come and talk to me and be like if I could just get to where you are. This happened to me recently. You know like to where I am. I was like, yeah, like it's cool that I made a movie, but when the door is closed, like I'm alone and it's scary and I'm messy and I don't always get it right, so take me off the pedestal. It's very similar to who you are and how we're existing. I'm just relentless in like achieving my dreams, but that's possible for anybody.

Melissa Bauknight: 30:28

How have you found, you know, feeling safe in the world? I mean, it's a theme for all of us, right, that we want to feel seen and we want to feel safe. And How have you navigated that? How have you found communities where you Have felt safe to show up as you and found those, those key people in your life who have given you permission to? I mean, i know it starts with you, but we need to have those people in our life where we're like you're fully accepted and welcome and safe here, exactly as you are. How have you navigated finding those people? I'm always searching for those people.

Aitch Alberto: 30:59

So I have a core group of people that that's who I keep around me and usually like the same faces, and I'm okay because I'm getting that like I could fully show up as myself. I'm not great at small talk, i like to like dive deep, so, yeah, it's just like being really specific and knowing There's like this like Undeniable sort of thing that happens when you meet people that you really feel safe with. You know, but I'm always searching for that and Anyone I come in contact. I think it's just rare because we often are showing up with all our own shit, you know, and I think if we stop personalizing how we're received in the world, that's how you'd normalize things right.

Aitch Alberto: 31:40

I'm not leading with my identity, i'm leading with me, and if my identity becomes a part of the conversation, this happens quite a bit, especially when it comes to dudes. This was said to me once I had met a guy and I had it like just close to him right away, and we got to a point where it was like you know, right, and like I said, i was trans and he's like why don't I want to kill you right now If he was like you're a woman? and it's like, yes, it's a scary statement, but if we take that away and realize what he's been informed, you're like oh okay, i've changed this guy, i've shifted this guy's perspective on who we are, because he actually Interacted with a real trans person and wasn't being fed a version of who we are.

Jessica : 32:25

So was he saying why don't you match up to what I've been told?

Aitch Alberto: 32:29

That's basically what that statement is Why do I see you as who you are and why am I still attracted to you? I didn't feel scared by that statement, right? I think he was being really revealing about what was happening to him internally. It was what he's being fed and it's like, oh you know, men in dresses or men in wigs, and I wasn't that for him, so he was really seeing me. It goes to say that, like you know, a lot of what's the word judgment comes from is rooted in fear and not knowing. Yeah for sure. So when I'm existing in spaces that I don't belong in and you're not Looking at me just solely on my identity, you're shifting the narrative, right. So that's why I'm really passionate about not othering myself.

Aitch Alberto: 33:20

Everywhere I go Yeah, yeah.

Jessica : 33:23

Can you tell us about How Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe came into your life? How did you find that book?

Aitch Alberto: 33:35

I was, um, i acted for a little bit too. I was doing a play in 2014. I think 2013 I don't remember the year right now for fringe, and one of the actors in the show is like you should read this book. So it's a recommendation from a friend, and I was in Portland for Thanksgiving with an ex-boyfriend. I bought the book and then I read it in one sitting and I was like holy shit, this is everything I want to say. This is like talking about identity in a way that's like really gentle and beautiful, especially when it comes to like Latino stories, like Latinic stories, latinese stories that I hadn't seen before. I'd had this like really gentle lens to it. So I had a producer friend check the right and to me it was like impossible that the rights would be available because It was just so undeniably beautiful and they were. Then I wrote the script on spec, which means I did it for free and without permission.

Jessica : 34:33

This is before you. You spoke with the author this is before.

Aitch Alberto: 34:37

So I wrote the script and then I reached out to the author. I said to him an email and I was like, hey, i did this thing and can I come and meet you? That was in January. In February, march, i was in El Paso, where the story takes place and where Benjamin lives. On the way there I don't think I've said this before on the way there, i was like what am I doing? Like I was on the plane, i was like this dude could be like a fucking creeper. I was like. And then like I was like no, he wrote Aristotle and Dante. There's no way. And sure enough, it was like these really beautiful, magical four days that we spent together and he like read the script to me And by the end of that trip we were sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Las Cruces, new Mexico, and he's like these boys are mine and now I give them to you. And we're both like crying. And then I discovered that this book is like huge.

Jessica : 35:33

Like a huge deal. It's a huge deal.

Aitch Alberto: 35:35

Yeah, like there's like people that have tattoos and like Lin-Manuel Miranda has done the audio book and I'm like what are you doing? bitch, like what are you doing? And then a producer friend well, she wasn't in my friend yet, but Outfest connected me with Valerie Stadler, who's a producer. We started developing the script together and it was like 30 drafts in took us a really long time. And then I was like we need to get Lin-Manuel involved in some capacity. So we did the traditional route This had said before and I feel like everybody's heard the story, but maybe not. We did the traditional route managers, agents, no response. It was months and months of no response. I was like you know what? nothing about this story or my life has been traditional. I'm gonna tweet at Lin-Manuel. So I tweeted at Lin-Manuel. It was like New Year's Day, 2019. And I was like, hey, i hope Lin-Manuel reads my script this year And I had already fans of the book following me, so it really helped him to notice it. And 20 minutes later he replied. Three months later he was in LA and agreeing to be a producer on the movie And then, little by little, everything just started to fall into place.

Aitch Alberto: 36:44

I got an agent, i did the Sundance episodic lab. I started working in television. I had met Eva Longoria on a pitch for her new movie, flaming Hot that's coming out soon. We really connected And so it was just like how can I make this work? Being validated by all these people? like my profile as like a worthy contender to be a director for the movie was becoming really real, because I've always wanted to direct it And I was told I couldn't. So it was like with other bigger directors, but I just was doing the work and always knew that it was my story to tell. And whenever there was like a bunch of false starts, i was like, yeah, duh. And once I was like found a financier, pitched my vision of the movie to Lin and he agreed to have my back. And once that started to happen, everything started to fall into place. Yeah, so we got financing. Like Eugenio came on board, everything just was easy. You know, post production not so much, but everything to that point was just yeah, it was meant to be just like worked out.

Melissa Bauknight: 37:47

I love that when the ease is there, there's alignment.

Aitch Alberto: 37:51

That's it, that's it, that's it. I really look for that in all aspects of my life.

Melissa Bauknight: 37:56

Yeah.

Jessica : 37:57

But what someone might just dismiss as like an impossible dream, you actually had the courage. you had the courage to make that phone call and talk to the writer. You had the courage to tweet Lin Manuel without having any idea at first how you would actually pull it off, So you were just listening to her instincts. I mean, I don't know if you could even see the outcome at that point. What was it for you in the middle of it that kept you going?

Aitch Alberto: 38:20

I could see the outcome, or like my version of what the outcome was Like. I really dreamt it, visualized it, like the whole thing, but in a very like natural way. it was an I'm going to manifest this thing. It was just. I see this. I see myself like in a theater watching this movie with an audience. I see myself on set. Like I see it, i very clearly saw it which, like, if we want to talk about manifestation, like that's exactly what it is, except too much focus on it.

Aitch Alberto: 38:48

So it's just like we've exhaust the manifestation. but it was just very easy, Like I just clearly saw it and like that was my drive.

Melissa Bauknight: 38:56

To me it's the embodiment. I'm chasing a very big dream and it's being birthed into the world right now And I relate to it the same way that I'm like it's done. I know that it's done. I don't know how it's going to get done, i don't know who it's going to get done with, but it feels so alive in my being, in my body right now, and it sounds like that's how it was for you. It's like I have no idea. I feel fucking crazy that I'm doing this thing. Who am I? But also I can't not, it's in me, it's alive in me. That's how I'm feeling as I'm hearing you. It's the full embodiment of the vision 100%.

Aitch Alberto: 39:33

That's why sometimes I'm like, fuck, i don't have my person yet, i don't have this thing yet, i don't have the house yet. But I'm like, but I've met that, i've felt that version of me where I have all those things. That's coming. I just need to remind myself that it's coming sometimes when it gets really hard And when you're waver off, revisiting the feeling is okay, it's the delusion, that's the delusional confidence, it's all part of that.

Jessica : 40:00

Is that always there? Do you have moments of doubt, or how do you navigate uncertainty when it creeps?

Aitch Alberto: 40:07

up, i don't know. Sometimes I stay deep in the uncertainty. I'm like I'm going to be Debbie Downer and live in this trauma because this is what really feels familiar. So like, well me, everything happens to me, nothing goes right for me, and like I'll stay there because that's comfortable. I've been in that space, you know the majority of my life. And then you're like wait, wait, wait, wait. I've done work around me. I know how to get back to like the version where I'm in like receiving mode, where I'm welcoming abundance, but I'm kind to myself when I waver off and I don't always know it right away. So, yeah, those are the things where I think people are like, oh my God, like a who in day, like it's not going to come And it's like, no, it's all part of it. It's like getting back to that feeling is what's important, because once you know how to do it, once you know how to do it, Yeah, it's incredibly important to speak to this, though that it's not that you're never going to fall off the rails again.

Melissa Bauknight: 41:04

It's not that we're never going to go back into the depths of this familiar darkness. We always will. We're human. But it's, how long are we remaining there? Yeah, you know, you may have remained there for decades, four years, for months, whatever that is for your journey, but the more you understand the feeling of not that and how you really desire to be feeling and you have that familiarity in your body, then the duration is shorter, right, so you might go down there and then you're like, okay, yep, i did that again. Now I'm coming back out, but it might not be as dramatic or as long of an experience, but I think it's important to speak to that, because it's not all fucking sunshine and rainbows, it's not like a relentless confidence all day, every day.

Melissa Bauknight: 41:44

It's like you have the roller coaster, but are you willing to stay on the ride and not get off of it and give yourself the time to feel the shit, to remember how far you've come in the process?

Aitch Alberto: 41:54

Yeah, yeah, and that's that. Yes, and that's why it's what we were talking about earlier. It's learning how to live with it, because that's always going to be there. So you learn how to live with it. Oh shit, like I'm in, like this old version of myself. This feels familiar. I'm not going to stay here for much longer than a beat and get back to the feeling that feels more aligned with who I am in the world, which is really powerful, even if you're like in the ick of it, in the shit of it, for like a week and you're like, oh shit, like I'm able to get back there that feels nice.

Aitch Alberto: 42:29

You know Yeah.

Melissa Bauknight: 42:31

My client once said that, coming back into alignment, it often feels like you set a sailboat on autopilot, which I've only been sailing once. So now I actually get this. You set destination A to B and it shows up as a straight line on a map, but in reality it's like oh shit, there's an island right there, or there's a storm coming, or there's another vessel coming, but you're still moving forward. It's just not this linear, straight line. So it's all about coming back to whatever you want to call center, the North Star itself, knowing that you're going to constantly be veering off on the sides of it on your quest to wherever you're headed.

Aitch Alberto: 43:06

I love that so much because it's so real. Yeah, healing's not linear at all, and once you realize that and accept that, it makes it so much easier. Because I also think that resistance is pain. Whatever we're resisting is what's causing us pain. So, in the acceptance of the oh, my dreams aren't going to look perfect, my journey to get to my dreams isn't going to be perfect, and you don't resist that, it makes it a lot easier to navigate or to sail through.

Melissa Bauknight: 43:40

Well done, well done. It's the writer in me, if you will.

Aitch Alberto: 43:49

It's true, though I know.

Jessica : 43:51

Before we go, can you tell us what this film means to you?

Aitch Alberto: 43:56

Don't ask me that. yet That's really beautiful and it makes me really emotional. I'm a tourist, double cancer.

Jessica : 44:06

I'm tripped like double cancer too.

Aitch Alberto: 44:08

I cried a lot. It's the end of a version of me that I'm really proud to kind of have seen it through and I'm really ready for like the next phase in my life. But like this was such an important piece of arriving at a really special place, of owning my authenticity, and this movie was like accompanying me on that journey, so like everyone that loved me throughout. It is reflected in the movie because they're pieces of me So yeah, it's like the vessel for your arrival itself.

Melissa Bauknight: 44:53

Yeah.

Aitch Alberto: 44:54

And it's just like that. It's sort of like a buoy.

Melissa Bauknight: 44:57

So we're going to talk about sailing. We're going to just talk about sailing the rest of the time.

Aitch Alberto: 45:02

I think it's just so perfect to bring you back to sailing. It's like a buoy that turned me on your sail And it's like you know, it took me a long time to put that one there, So I'm really proud of it.

Jessica : 45:16

How can people see it? When does it come out?

Aitch Alberto: 45:18

It comes out this summer. It comes out this summer, it will be in theaters across the country and it'll have an international release as well, so it'll be available for people to see. I can't wait.

Jessica : 45:31

I'm so excited. I can't wait. Yeah, we are so grateful. Thank you for taking the time and being so generous and vulnerable and wise and dealing with our tech issues and embracing the mess right. Everything that happened in the last hour just encompasses all of that right.

Aitch Alberto: 45:54

So for sure. I mean, at no point was I like stressed out about it, it was like it's just like it makes sense. So thank you, thank you for having me.

Melissa Bauknight: 46:03

And I just want to thank you for your delusional confidence, because you're a vision holder. You're a vision holder for all of us and you know to not give up, to keep going and to be brave and to have that relentless pursuit of a bigger dream, and you're the type of woman I want to be surrounded by. I want to have these type of women in the room together where we're like sometimes we feel fucking nuts, but we have this like crazy confidence that we had this dream place inside of our soul for a reason and we're not going to stop And it might not make sense along the path, but I just want to thank you for your courage because it's really it means a lot.

Aitch Alberto: 46:37

Likewise, thank you guys for holding so much beautiful space and it is really empowering. It's hard being a woman, but also it's as hard as we make it. So the world is sort of like everything's stacked against us. But if we sort of like sail right to that Back to what we just said once, you know it's going to be hard. It just it really does make it easier, and having women beside you is really important.

Jessica : 47:04

I also just want to reflect that your willingness to be as brave as you have been. It brings us collectively closer to truth.

Aitch Alberto: 47:15

Well, that's really powerful, thank you.

Jessica : 47:19

Yeah, and I feel really grateful.

Melissa Bauknight: 47:21

Thank you. Thank you, yay, all right, we did it, we did it.

Aitch Alberto: 47:27

Hey there Rebels.

Jessica : 47:37

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