Shavon Woolfolk: This is My One Life - Breaking Stereotypes, Self-Expression, and Radical Freedom

Speaker 1: 0:00

If you enjoy this episode, we would love it if you would leave us a review, give us a follow or a like and share it with your friends. Thanks, rebels.

Speaker 2: 0:11

To even question what you've been told is true is incredibly courageous. It doesn't always feel like courage. What looks like courage to other people, for me it feels like survival.

Speaker 3: 0:22

This is our personal medicine.

Speaker 2: 0:24

If I'm surrounded by thinkers, by lovers, by passion, by integrity, then I really do think that I know who I am. There is a piece that is indescribable when you're being who you are and you're living your purpose Not going to come to the end of my life and be like I didn't live the life I was meant to live.

Speaker 1: 0:39

Can I be so comfortable in the unknown and so comfortable in that uncertainty that every version of it is going to be okay?

Speaker 2: 0:47

This is the Inner Rebel podcast.

Speaker 1: 0:58

Hey rebels, Just a heads up that our conversation today deals with very adult themes like sexuality and adult language.

Speaker 2: 1:05

All right, Welcome, rebels, to a very special episode. Today we are joined by Siobhan Wolfolk. Welcome, Siobhan. Hi Siobhan, Hello.

Speaker 3: 1:16

Hi ladies.

Speaker 2: 1:18

Currently, Siobhan is a marketing lead that serves the Latino community, and her day job In the evenings and on the weekends she is a life coach and fashion stylist, which is amazing. I love that you say you're a stylist from the inside and out, which is so critical, and I know we'll unpack that more today. She just started her own company called Style and Folk, so she can start serving more women. She is a Black Zikana who leads with love, joy and a bit of humor, and I love that you said my energy is absolutely contagious, so come get some.

Speaker 2: 1:53

Which we will begin some today. Siobhan was born and raised in Southern California, graduated from the University of Denver and then quickly moved back to California to work in advertising, and after three and a half years in advertising, she packed her bags and moved to Madrid, spain, which I feel like you're going to inspire me to book a plane ticket after we get off of this podcast. She lived in Madrid, spain, for 10 years, with four summers in Italy so dreamy and afterwards, one year in Ecuador, with some time in Uruguay, and two years in Brazil oh my goodness. She moved back to the US in 2016 to be caregiver for her grandmother and father, and I love your adventurous hobbies. She's a salsa dance instructor, a boxer, a writer, a songwriter, a comedic writer, a model, a swimmer, a lover of all board sports. We share that skating, snowboarding, surfing, a nonprofit collaborator, a legit kid whisperer Great. You can meet my son, jack, and an awesome friend. Welcome to yeah hi.

Speaker 3: 2:57

It's been our time.

Speaker 2: 2:59

Is that all our time? Yeah, signing off, that's all anyone needs to know.

Speaker 3: 3:04

That was a great introduction. Thank you, ladies, so nice to be here. There's no boxes holding you in no, no, and that is very intentional.

Speaker 2: 3:14

Well, we love to start our podcast by asking a question, because this is all about breaking out of boxes, all about standing in our authenticity. So we want to know who you thought you were supposed to be. So who did society, or what does society, say that you're supposed to be, and who are you?

Speaker 3: 3:31

actually, wow, I love that question. Okay, so who did society say that I'm supposed to be? I grew up very much like a little bit shy and still a little bit of a ham, like liking to perform and stuff more like with the family and people I know, and then people I didn't. I'd be kind of shy and probably friends that are listening to this are like what you were shy once. I just made you. It's like what? Yes, this is a lot of personality here.

Speaker 1: 4:01

I don't think it's a lot, but I'm surprised to hear that you're shy. I'd like to hear more about that.

Speaker 3: 4:06

So yeah, I was supposed to be this shy girl that was a perfect kind of straight A student and didn't ruffle any feathers or anything like that. That was going under the radar but also drawing in clubs and all of that kind of stuff. But I still had my boundaries and now I am what my friends call a black unicorn. I am all over the place. My favorite thing to do is to meet people and to learn about them and their background and their stories and their culture. I'm very outspoken. I'm very much an extrovert. I still have that time every now and then I'll go to a party and I'll be a little bit shy.

Speaker 3: 4:42

Those that know me, it freaks them out. It happens every now and then, but no, for the most part I am just like, like you said, which is, I just want to spread this love and this joy and this humor to everyone and I don't let anything get in my way. And when someone says that this doesn't fit, I don't fit the mold of doing something, oh, I want to do it. So bad, then I want it. This is like the whole reason why I did a triathlon, like the swimming portion of a triathlon because quote unquote black people can't swim. And then another one. This is exactly why I started surfing, because, quote unquote black people don't surf. Black people are scared of water. That's the whole thing. It's the whole thing. It's the whole thing. I didn't know that, yeah, neither did I, to be honest. And then I learned about it later and I'm like, ooh, I want to do all the things. And then boxing too. Oh, that's a men's sport. Well, guess what? No, it's not. So, yeah, pushing boundaries.

Speaker 1: 5:41

Can I ask a little bit about that shyness, because it doesn't sound like that's really a part of your nature. So what is your relationship to that now? You say it comes out now and then, but was that something that you felt you grew out of or had to overcome, or do you understand in retrospect what that shyness was about when you were younger?

Speaker 3: 5:59

Yeah, I'm a firm believer of your surroundings and your environment playing a big part of who you are and helping to mold you right Sometimes helping, sometimes not. And so there were a lot of situations, I would say, where it's just like, hey, keep it down, be quiet. You know things like that. And I think it just kind of sticks to you and you're just like, okay, I need to be quiet or I need to do this, I need to do that. And for a while you just kind of figured out that it doesn't work for you and that's not something that you should have tried on because that wasn't for you.

Speaker 3: 6:29

And that's what happened to me. I realized that that wasn't for me and also I was kind of doomed anyways, because if you have ever met my mom or dad, it's like they are full on, they light up a room, like whenever they step into it. They would light up a room. They will pass now, but like when they stepped into the room, it was just like whoa, you know a lot of energy, a lot of positive energy. So it's like I knew I was destined to be a big mouth.

Speaker 2: 6:55

Was there a specific moment or a time in your life where you're like this no longer works for me, where you started to push those boundaries and embrace your bigness and your boldness? Is there a specific time of your life where you're like it's time?

Speaker 3: 7:11

Oh yeah, I can tell you exactly when that was. So I took a program Some people know about it. It's called Landmark Education and they have like various levels and stuff like that to kind of just get you right where you know you should be and where you want to be, you know and helps you take the boundaries and the blocks that you've put there yourself. You've put them there yourself, but it helps you take those blocks away so that you can be who you're meant to be in this world. So I took that and it was really funny because I thought I was taking it because I got laid off and I was having trouble looking for a job. It was like 20 years ago and I realized that was not why I was supposed to take that course.

Speaker 3: 7:47

I was supposed to take that course because I was supposed to dig deep in my past and how my past dictated very much who I was today and how I was bringing a lot of things that weren't fit for me into my current status, and so I cleaned up a lot of relationships. I had had a lot of conversations with people and also the biggest thing I got from it was how to be community and how when your life is about you and only you, it gets very dramatic. It is very telenovela, very telenovela, very soap opera. It gets dramatic when it's about you. When you start pushing that out and being of service to other people in your community, then it's like that's where the party time begins, right. So that's what that program taught me and actually from that program I got a job right away and saved up money and went to Spain.

Speaker 3: 8:37

I didn't have a home there, I didn't have any friends there, I wasn't like 100%, even though I'm Latina, I wasn't super fluent in Spanish, I didn't have a job. I just kind of arrived there like Mary Tyler Moore and threw out my hat at the airport and that was it, let's go. And I stayed there for 10 years. I have arrived and I stayed there for 10 years. So, yeah, that was what helped me, that self-helps and self-development, and I'm still doing it. I'm in a course now Like I am 100% about that life now, because I believe that growth starts with you. You can't expect differences in your life if you're doing the same thing over and over again. You've got to produce some change and that's when my life gets good with that change. That was a long answer.

Speaker 1: 9:17

That was a perfect answer. Also, you and Melissa have that in common right, melissa? It was landmark for you. That also really sparked a change.

Speaker 2: 9:24

It's kind of how we met too, through our landmarks. So it was my introduction to personal growth work and it was my introduction to doing it outside of reading a book, because I think a lot of people think you can just read a book about this stuff and then be magically transformed, which is total bullshit. You need to get in community about it and you need to get witnessed and you need to witness other people and you need to have that mirror and without it I mean you can read books. I think they're great support structures to reinforce things and it's the actual getting into action around it in your life that makes all the difference.

Speaker 3: 9:56

Yeah, and you know what Do? Sharing your life. That is the big key for me now. Like whenever I'm about something and I want to start something new, I share it. You know why? Because I put it in place of being my word, and then what I say is what happens. So I know that when I say it now I got to make it happen. So if I want something to really happen in my life, even if I'm not ready, I got to start telling people about it. Because once I do that, it happens. Yeah, say it out loud, being your word, yeah. So it's a real thing and it comes in clutch.

Speaker 1: 10:26

Are you willing to share a few more of the belief systems that you were unpacking during that time, like what you felt you had to heal or resolve in yourself, to kind of come into your own now?

Speaker 3: 10:38

Yes, so in this meeting I'm about to break it down as long as you want it to be, yeah, okay, cool, cool, all right. So here's where I got so much out of it. Good, but basically I came from a home where my parents divorced when I was like three or four and then my mom remarried when I was like four or five and then I think it was like nine years old, we got a little brother. So I had my older brother from the previous marriage we share the same mother and father and then my little brother was born through the second marriage, right, and they got a divorce when I was like 14.

Speaker 3: 11:10

And stuff went down to like, I mean, it was awful and check this out, I'm like 13, 14, but what I got was people leave, people don't stick around, don't fall too in love or close with someone, because it could go any second and men can't be trusted because they leave all the time and they don't care.

Speaker 3: 11:32

And that was like my whole story. So like the way I was interacting with relationships and men and people and everything was like, oh my God, even when my friends would become friends with my friends, I'm like, oh, I'm cut out, it's it, it's over. This is it Like, instead of coming from a space of like oh my God, all my friends are friends now, which is what I'm like. Now, when my friends meet my friends, I am doing the little happy dance Like, but it was not like that before. It was full on jealousy, like where'd you guys go, what'd you guys do, like so. So, yeah, that's what happened. You know, I had trust issues and so I looked at that in the program and I had to have a conversation with my dad, and I had to have a conversation with my ex-stepdad too, and I hadn't talked to him like 15 years.

Speaker 3: 12:16

So when he got my call, he was like wait, what? So yeah, and I cleared it all up. I cleaned it all up with both of them and got apologies. I was even able to apologize too, because I had to accept some responsibility on my own as well, and I look at men differently. I look at relationships differently. I look at people differently. You know, it's been a long time coming Like, like forgive.

Speaker 1: 12:41

What you're saying is so beautiful and so important and when we identify a belief of some kind that we've been playing out, we've been playing out a pattern in our lives, and we start to understand or connect to the root of it. I think it's one thing to start making that connection, like understand it intellectually, and another thing to actually break the pattern.

Speaker 2: 13:01

Right.

Speaker 1: 13:02

Clearing out a belief so that you no longer operate from that belief is actually much more challenging. So I'm curious what is that process of integration Like? How do you then go into the next relationship and consciously make those shifts so that you're not playing those trust issues out anymore? Or did you feel that it was resolved and you were able to go in and just see it more clearly? You know what I mean.

Speaker 3: 13:25

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you mean. It's a very good question. I would say that communication that's the first word that popped up into my mind when you were starting to ask the question. My communication is so different now, like, okay, so I have this thing called seasonal boyfriends now it's amazing.

Speaker 1: 13:44

Explain.

Speaker 3: 13:45

Dude, if you're not about that seasonal boyfriend life and you're single, I don't know what you're doing. You're like you're married, I get it, but like if you're not married, okay, jess, please. Oh, it's so great. It's so great. So seasonal boyfriends are. And the best thing about seasonal boyfriends is they know they're seasonal and you put that out there on day one like, hey, this is what's going on, okay, and you're entering now in what we call the summer season. You're summer boyfriend of 2023. Your stay will be until like around August, september We'll see what happens and let's just make this the best time of our lives together and be just very truthful about what we do and what we experience and all that kind of stuff. So it's dope.

Speaker 3: 14:34

Now I'm leaning more towards. I want that one person and I got my eye on someone, but for a while, up until like spring, it was like seasonal boyfriends, that's what I'm doing. And part of it can be like okay, I'm protecting my heart, but also another part of it is like I'm having a great time. And one thing that's always be consistent in my life is change. I'm never just living in one place and doing one thing. I mean, you saw from my hobbies right, I'm always doing something and changing, and so I think that's part of it too. But now that I'm older I'm starting to feel like having that one person would be nice, and I know it's around the corner, but I'm still phasing out the seasonal boyfriend thing.

Speaker 1: 15:13

You might need to explain this a little more, at least to me.

Speaker 3: 15:17

It's communication. Like right now there's 10 men and just 10 men. There's seven who I'm sleeping with. That is safe, though it's a condom situation. So everybody knows about everybody. Everybody knows the game. I am not lying to anybody about anything, it's a whole thing, but the way that I'm able to do this is the communication right and what works for me and works for everyone.

Speaker 1: 15:44

What is the value you get out of the seasonal boyfriend thing? What are you learning from it?

Speaker 3: 15:48

You know what the common denominator is with all these men no, fucking me, me, let's go here. So the coolest thing about that is it's the best way to know who you are, because when things start showing up repeatedly, you're like, oh, that showed up with like four people already. So that's probably something that I should work on. So that's cool. Another thing that's cool is I get to experience like these great human beings.

Speaker 1: 16:20

Like everyone.

Speaker 3: 16:21

It's this thing of like we get to go out, we do stuff, or we stay home and kick back and watch TV. I have these amazing conversations and for, I think, for the first time in my life, I don't feel controlled, which is like how you're not supposed to fill a relationship. You know how people say, like I'm his and you know this person's mine, and all that kind of stuff, like yeah, I understand that, but then also there's this control aspect that people confuse it with us being partners. You know, like I need to control the situation and there is no control. It's not about that.

Speaker 3: 16:51

It's like like my friend, he's coming over tomorrow and he sends me the stacks. He's like I am so excited Cause we like plan this whole day. You know we're going to go to the jazz festival and then he's going to come hang out and then he's going to like spend the night for the first time. It's going to be like this whole day of adventure. And how exciting is that? And he's super excited about, you know, and that's the thing too, when I see them and they knock on my door and it's like and we hug each other and it's like so great and a couple of met each other and they get along. I think that when you come from a place of love and joy, then that's what the fuck is going on love and joy.

Speaker 2: 17:27

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm hearing is you're in your joy, and this is something I just wrapped up, a mastermind that I'm a part of, and a woman in there who's become a dear friend of mine. We talk about this a lot, as it retains the sexuality and the boxes that we have around. This is the right way to be within partnership. This is the wrong way to be. These are shameful ways of behaving, and so she's like I want to be the kind of woman that gets her nipples sucked by six people at the same time. Like that's who I want to be, and I want to be in that level of joy. And it says so much about who she is, cause she's just like I want to have like unhinged pleasure in my life and have no more friends.

Speaker 2: 18:07

She doesn't live here, but yes.

Speaker 3: 18:08

This sounds like a future best friend. This is what this sounds like.

Speaker 2: 18:11

Yeah, yeah, but just the ability to live your whole life, completely unapologetic about how you find pleasure, how you find joy, and letting it be even the seasonality of the boyfriend. It's like, also, this works for me in this season of life, so it's non attachment to this being how it is Ever. Yeah, it's like this is how my passion and joy feel the most expressed right now.

Speaker 2: 18:36

I have permission to change my mind If I want to settle on one percent then great, and I also feel like it's a really beautiful social experiment of seeing who you get to be in these really intimate spaces Like when we talk about being in landmark or we talk about being in community and with the mirror of other people's, being in partnership with somebody in that way is a really intimate experience. To let them be with you as a whole woman, with your body, and getting to know yourself through the mirror of being in deep, intimate relationships is also a really powerful tool to get to know who you are and what you enjoy.

Speaker 3: 19:14

I'm constantly reminded of who I am, and it's a positive reminder now, too right, because it used to be so negative, and you know, I want to share this too. Okay, because this is like, this is the big part, this is the part that I left out before. So this is where everyone kind of like gets closer to the speaker. Okay, so everybody get closer to speaker and I'm about to tell it oh, this is like the juice. All right, so when You're about?

Speaker 2: 19:37

to.

Speaker 3: 19:39

So when the second father, the stepfather, when he left, there was this moment where and I'm just gonna say you know, he cheated on my mom. So that was the whole thing my mom was like this perfect little angel hilarious, sweet, joyful, all happy, all that kind of stuff.

Speaker 3: 19:55

And so giving like she was. So, the way she handled this was like so, boss, move, sweet, like she was just a sweetheart, the whole thing. And there was. I remember it being the time where we had missed him, because it was like this was like our dad. Right, we missed him. And finally they had been talking and he was allowed to come and take us out for the day and we were like so excited and to this day I don't remember how long it was, but it felt like a few months and we're like daddy, daddy, daddy, cause we called him daddy too. So he came and we asked the door, we gave all these big hugs. We missed him so much, me and my two brothers, and we were like, oh my gosh, and we got all dressed up. We leave for like an hour getting dressed up, like, okay, where are you going to take us? Where are we going? Where are we going? Okay, I'm just taking Corey, because that was his blood Shit.

Speaker 3: 20:39

And that day is when I decided two things One, I got to be perfect, so I don't let anybody down. Yeah, that means grades, everything. I became the queen of Monerovia. I became the queen of my city. I was the captain of the Schilling team, straight A's. I'm like I'm going to be perfect and also I'm going to find a way to bring back control, because I do not like when the rug is taken from under me and I'm not prepared and the pain that comes with it. So I will never allow myself to feel that pain again and the only way that I can is if I get close enough and I'm going to find a way to use males. So I was sneaking boys into my room at night while I was straight A student and doing all the perfect things and no one ever knew it was my dirty little secret and kept being.

Speaker 3: 21:29

This thing of this is how I'm going to dominate men is through my sex, right, because I also I don't feel ashamed exposing this now. I'm a horny little bitch and so it had. I mean it's dick o'clock all the time, like you know what I mean. It's clock o'clock right now. So like it's a thing. So I was using it for pleasure, for me and then also to be able to be like OK, you're done, you can leave now. No, you can't spend the night by.

Speaker 3: 21:53

I was controlling it and I was like I'm going to get really good at it too, right? So they'd be like, oh, I want some more. I can control the whole situation. And now the sex is not like that, like it is very much a thing of a connection with someone and not a control. It's a I am here with you in this moment and this is all that is, and there's nothing else attached to it of me trying to get one over on you. And how much more pleasurable of an experience is that I get to share that moment with other people and feel like so good about it and it doesn't feel dirty because I talk about it, it's not a secret, and then I also tell people about it, and so it's become this really cool thing. Also, I'm just responsible about sex. I'm very responsible about people's feelings and interaction with me too, and that's been a big change for the better.

Speaker 1: 22:41

I think a lot of people think that intimacy can only be found with one person, and I think what you're showing is that that's actually not true. You can have deep intimacy on a deep level with many different people. And it's all about what you said the honest communication. How are you showing up in that space? And there's probably a lot to be gained from that. I mean, even when you're talking about maybe the next phase of life is to find one person to spend your life with. You're probably getting so much information about who you are and what you want and what you need.

Speaker 2: 23:16

Oh, you're saying all the yes, all the right things, yes. And the other thing I want to add to that is and I'm really glad that this is the direction the conversation is taking, because we haven't talked a lot about sexuality on here- man I need to come back. I know we have a little bit not like this, and I think that it often carries a lot of shame. Yes, yes, a lot of shame. I used to be the girl that, whenever anything around sex came up, my head to toe would turn bright red.

Speaker 3: 23:46

Oh, bless your heart.

Speaker 2: 23:47

And I would honestly be like probably the color of my dress that I might do and I would want to just like crawl inside of a turtle shell and I was so ashamed and I grew up in a very conservative Christian household and there was a lot of like this is wrong, like you don't do this, you do it with one partner, you do it when you're married and if you're doing anything outside of it, this is very, very wrong.

Speaker 2: 24:10

And I have spent the last decade and part of my personal growth journey is actually embracing human sexuality, our need for pleasure, our ability to decide who and how we want to give our bodies and really be a sovereign woman in my own desire. But this is like a big, important topic that every woman deals with, because you're told not to be this way and to be this way and that if you have multiple partners, then you're a slut and you can't do that, and so I think that you are claiming well, first of all, telling your backstory of what you've had to work through to get to this place, but also you claiming your desires.

Speaker 2: 24:48

You claiming how you want to be in partnership is really liberating, and I think women need to hear this, because you get to be whoever the fuck you want in partnership, and I love that you tie it into a bigger intention of like this is how I want to be in partnership. I want to be in vulnerable communication. I want to be super open with these people and you're really intentional about the way in which you're interacting, and that is very powerful. So I just want to thank you for bringing this to the table.

Speaker 3: 25:15

Yeah, I thank you for saying that. It's very important to me because I have lived a long life of I don't want to say being quiet about it because I wasn't being quiet about it. I was being quiet with certain people, like relatives, which is so weird because, even though my mommy and my daddy were really religious, I told them everything, they knew everything about me. So, like my aunts and my uncles, those are the ones where I was like which is so stupid, and now my mother and my father have passed, and it's so weird because I didn't have to hide anything from them anyways, but I'm more of myself and it's hard to explain, actually, you know what it's not hard to explain. So I've just lost my mother and father, right, and I've also lost my two grandparents, my two grandmothers, at the same time. It's just a lot of deaths that happen all at once and then also, like my brothers, suffer from addictions both of them and they have a hard time dealing with the deaths and it's got them further in their addictions, right.

Speaker 3: 26:09

I'm so sorry my mother and father. They died pretty young. Life is short and this is the only one I've got and I would like to live it the way I would like to live. Now. I have a higher power. I do believe in God. I do, and that is my higher power. That's it. Like there's no body, there's no mama, daddy, no more. Like there's nobody else, like that's the only one I need to worry about, so I don't need to worry about anyone else.

Speaker 3: 26:36

I was at a work function and nobody was dancing. I was the only one dancing for like the third time and they're like oh my God, I wish I had. And I'm like, because this is my one life, what I'm not going to have a great time and enjoy this, and this is the only opportunity I got on this one day where I can do that. I'm going to pass it up because of what others are thinking about me. Yeah, everyone's like.

Speaker 3: 26:56

I wish I could do it. I'm like you can't give me your hand. Give me your hand, just choose it and let's go out there. And so, yeah, I ended up bringing a couple people out, and then I've also taught salsa lessons at that job. I'm very much like come join me. This is our life, this is our one shot and I don't want to waste it anymore. So, yeah, I love sex and I love spending my time with sex, and I love that I've set my life up in a way that anytime I get horny, I grab my little phone and I go who do I feel like today?

Speaker 1: 27:30

Everyone listening is taking notes.

Speaker 2: 27:33

Get your menu out. Yeah, yeah, what. Who am I ordering for dinner tonight? Yes, who wants to be my dessert?

Speaker 3: 27:40

Yeah, it's so exciting that they're so excited to see me. That's what's so great. A lot of people are excited to see me, and I'm excited to see them too, and so that's why it works, because they know what's up and I would never hurt them and I never do it. I don't play any games, you know. I will tell them honestly, and then when I feel like something's changing, I'll say hey, I think it's time for a conversation. I just like to check in. Like is everything okay? Are you still okay with this arrangement? I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings over here. You know what I mean. It works.

Speaker 2: 28:10

Yeah, I love your example about dancing and I kind of want to pivot the conversation about really seizing the moments for joy and living your life of. I've got this one day to feel this joy and this one moment I'm going to take this. This is a big part of the invitation that you are of let's go live life all out right In every area of life.

Speaker 2: 28:33

I know we're we focused a lot on sexuality and intimacy, but this is everywhere in your life, yes. So why are you so passionate about that? Why do you want to help people be more expressed?

Speaker 3: 28:44

Because I feel like I've taken so long to be who I am and people don't have to take that long. They really don't. And you know, the kid whisper thing is a real thing, like people drop their kids off at my house. I don't know why. It doesn't look fun at all, I don't like colors or anything and it's so much fun because it's just getting back to that innocence and that fun that, like you know who my best friend is and this is why I was laughing, melissa because his name is Jack. I call him JJ, because they call him Jack, jack. His little cousins call him Jack, jack, that's what everyone called Jack.

Speaker 3: 29:16

Jack.

Speaker 2: 29:17

He was Jack Jack from the incredible his first birthday. Yeah, so yeah, they call him.

Speaker 3: 29:21

They used to call him Jack Jack, so his name is Jack and everybody calls him Jack, jack, and I remember telling him like cause, this is my best friend. He lives next door. He's six years old. He's over here all the time. As far as he's concerned, this is his room. So when he gets mad at me, he comes up to his room. We do arts and crafts. We have so much fun and he calls me. I got a walkie talkie so he can cause. He know I'm phone, yet he's six. So he's like she bought me. Come up play. Like that is my little rider, die buddy, and he's amazing and people see us together and hanging out and that's my investment.

Speaker 3: 29:55

Right Is like I talked to him about how great he is. I talked to him about the great things he does. I talked to him about like you can do anything. Also, another thing is, too, he's a white male. He's a little future CEO, and so I need to make sure I'm instilling that DEI and this future CEO. I love that. Oh yeah, it's just like we have the best time, and the reason why we do is because it's fun. We have fun. Everybody knows when they come over to Siobhan's house it's going to be fun. My parties are even fun. It's not like everyone's sitting around drinking alcohol. They're like Siobhan no one looks at their phones. I realized I just haven't looked at my phone this entire part. I'm like, yeah, that's why I planned it this way. We have arts and crafts area, we've got a karaoke area, we've got an 80s salon where you can do your hair like the 80s. I have like little things and I think that that's my whole life.

Speaker 1: 30:43

I think this is why I have always struggled with adulthood. I am the same as you. I have like a whole bunch of kitties that feel like my best friends, where I feel the most alive and I just want to play. And I feel like ever since my early 20s, when I graduated school and I went to theater school, so I was sort of in the world of creativity right For a really long time. I went to an art school. I wanted to talk to you about that because I went to an art school at the age of nine, so that was my world. And then I went into grown-up land and I found the adjustment. I still think I'm struggling with it. It's something about getting into the land of grown-ups, getting into the land of survival. It's like I can show up with children, but it's very difficult, I find, to bring that same freedom and joy and play that I once had into the grown-up universe. I don't feel like there's as many people willing to play.

Speaker 3: 31:37

Yes, jessica, yes, oh my gosh.

Speaker 3: 31:40

That is that's number one right. People aren't willing to play. It's like they kind of forgot how to. I taught for many years too, but usually, like as a substitute teacher or a short term kind of thing after second grade is when they take away crayons and drawing. That isn't that interesting. That's when we stop dreaming and it's so important. And so for me to have fun and for me to make things fun I love doing that. I mean even my workouts. When I go into like little workout groups, they're always like Shobon, why are you always dancing when you're working out? And I'm like because I hate it.

Speaker 1: 32:17

And so this is how I make it for us. This is my question. This is what I find so inspiring about you, because I think all of these grown-ups are around you being like why are you dancing, why are you doing this, why are you doing that?

Speaker 1: 32:27

And you're still doing it and I think a lot of people would let that shut them down, and I think what I'm expressing is I think it has shut me down. I think I show up in a lot of spaces and I don't actually know how to let my silly out with those people, and you seem to do it anyway.

Speaker 3: 32:42

First of all, Jessica, hang around me. That's going to come out like in no time.

Speaker 2: 32:46

No, but she doesn't live here, she's an LA.

Speaker 3: 32:49

I'm in LA all the time. I'm from there.

Speaker 1: 32:53

I was just there two, three weeks ago. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3: 32:55

This is a short-lived situation that you're dealing with now. That's going to turn around, don't worry about it.

Speaker 1: 33:00

My friends listening, they're going to be pissed at me. A lot of my friends are still very joyful and silly and we play a lot, but I do find that my self-expression in that realm has definitely diminished in my older years.

Speaker 3: 33:12

Yeah, well, let me tell you this. First of all, the worst and most dangerous hood you could ever be in is adulthood. That's bad. Get out of that hood. It is the worst hood ever. This is like I love all the other hoods, this one is the worst.

Speaker 3: 33:25

Yes, one of the things I do. Here's a very good example. What I try to do is I try, when I life coach, I try to get people to think like this. One of the things I do is when JJ and I go to, he loves the blue store and the red store, walmart and Target, so he calls them blue store my story. He loves it, right, the blue store has like a thing of balls, right, and the toy section. So Whenever we come across those balls, we're playing with them right there and for everybody in the store it's happening like this is just what's happening. So I invite other people to play with us. Sometimes We'll see what happens. I would, yeah. And so the thing is and my mom used to say this too so funny.

Speaker 3: 34:00

Oh, they don't pay my bills. These are the people. They don't pay my bills. I pay my bills. Why am I worried about all these other people? And I think that's it right is that I am so concentrating on making sure that little JJ has a great life and a great time today with me that no one else is in my radar. And when I'm like that and I'm fixated on having fun like that, Often times I don't have anyone coming over to tell me to tone it down. I have people coming over to join me and that's what I want to introduce people to.

Speaker 3: 34:31

You is like how can everyone feel this self-expressed? And this is why I started this business, right, it's because I'm able to life coach people On the inside and then able to help them bring that out on their outside so that they can dress and feel like their outside matches their inside. And then how lovely would it be if it's spread into their house and I could help them interior decorate so that their home even looks like who they are. Right, we need to get to. First of all, how can we make everything around us reflect who we are? You know you're cheating people by not giving them. All of you right, the amazing you that you are. You really are cheating people. And this was actually helpful to me when it came to giving, because I was always giving, giving, giving, but I didn't like to receive or to ask.

Speaker 3: 35:13

And someone told me once Shavan, how do you feel when you give to people? And I said, I feel amazing when I give to people and in the thank-you's and the smile I'd like, oh Well, you know that feeling. You feel right there, you're robbing other people of that. Every single time I'm like, oh gosh, I don't want to do that, I don't want to be that person, and so I feel like that. I feel like I'm robbing people by not showing them who I am and Inviting them to play along and to get a piece of this. I think that's true and so I love doing it, you know. And then guess what, jessica, here's the cool thing when someone tells me I'm being too much, or someone tells me not here, or this is not appropriate, whatever, guess what. That's just that one time and that one place and that one person who feels that way.

Speaker 2: 35:55

Yeah, yeah, and they're probably not very self-expressed in there.

Speaker 1: 35:58

Oh, yeah, anyway.

Speaker 2: 36:00

Yeah, yeah, I'm so sorry. You feel like you have to tone yourself down and you're yeah about me, but that's not about me.

Speaker 3: 36:06

That's one time you know what I mean, and out of all of the other times. So I don't concentrate on that one time, I concentrate on all the other times that me being who I am is a gift to others. That's right. Yeah, I'm still trying to get to the point where I believe it myself, but like I get that part, you know what I mean. I get that. Yeah, so that's what it is. It's like we have got to do that because you don't even know.

Speaker 3: 36:29

Someone came up to me in the office once and said shavon, I was. I came into work today and I was like I don't want to do this. I'm mad at everybody, I hate it here. And I said to myself Let me see what Shavon's wearing today. And I looked at you and you have these bright colors on. I was like, oh no, that was gonna make me feel so much better. This like my whole day is better now because of this. People underestimate how much joy your presence can give to someone. Yeah, and sharing your story, I love all this goes back to love over fear.

Speaker 2: 36:57

Yeah, yeah, mm-hmm.

Speaker 1: 36:59

How do you work through the fear moments?

Speaker 3: 37:02

My favorite thing is to tell people this pretend like it's not happening. Like that's my favorite thing. I go yeah, just pretend like it's not happening. But they just told me off. Yeah, just pretend like it's not happening. Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? Like that's one thing, okay, yeah, the other thing is oh, this is a great time for me to show you this. Oh, here, f e a r, false evidence appearing real. Oh, yeah, I love that. Oh, so do I. So that's what I do. I just think, hey, when I'm starting to feel that thing in my stomach or a start, yeah, I'm like it is just a second, it is all in my mind and just let it go, unless it's actually Endangering my life. Like, will you die where you be? Seriously harm you won't, okay. Well then go out there and dance in the middle of that crowd. For absolutely no reason.

Speaker 2: 37:51

Yeah, I love that.

Speaker 3: 37:53

Yeah, you know what JJ does and I love it because I'm starting to rub off on them. We'll be at the story. He'll come over to me. Last time we happen, we were with his parents. She won't come over here with music. Okay, I go over there right next time. Here's the song is dance time? Oh, dance time. So, like I just joined in, we're full on dancing in the blue store, in the aisle. Everyone's like what is happening. But, like he said, it's time to dance and I'm like, I'm 100% about it.

Speaker 2: 38:18

Let's do it the thing I think about. So dance is something that is so accessible, such an opportunity for self-expression, and we create a lot of rules around it.

Speaker 2: 38:28

Oh, I love expectations around it, a lot of what looks good, how you're supposed to move, and I was scared to dance until I was 25 Because I thought I'm bad at this. It doesn't look the way it's supposed to look like. I don't look like a professional dancer and so I'm never gonna do it. And I moved in with a roommate who danced all the time and I swear, for years we had like one to five dance parties a week like legit dance parties. We would just like blast music in our house and we would dance all the time and we would go out to clubs and we would dance and something switched in me of like this is a way that I get to express myself and to be in my body of joy, and I've done a lot of somatic movement therapy over the last year and a half where I've Really dropped into. It's safe to be in my body, it's safe to move her in ways that feel good for her and I know what that looks like and I've witnessed a lot of other female bodies Moving.

Speaker 2: 39:25

we do this in a very intimate setting and I'm like she's so beautiful, she's so beautiful, she's so beautiful and we look nothing like each other. And and witnessing people in their raw movement, just for the sake of moving their body, is One of the biggest gifts we can give to people. It's a huge gift to get somebody else in their joy body and being like, yeah, how free she is. What a freaking gift. Yes, okay.

Speaker 3: 39:53

I'm gonna tell you these two stories. We're like super quick, okay. So the one thing that I do, I love watching people dance and I have to tell you like I know I'm a good dancer and I'm not trying to be like brag here or anything like that, but like I cheerleafed for like 12, 14 years and I've been a salsa dancing instructor for like 20 years Like is it my blood? I get it. And my favorite thing is watching someone dance that quote-unquote Isn't dancing the right moves and probably not on the right rhythm either, and they don't give a fuck. I will stand there and I will watch that person and I will dance with them and I'm like I haven't the best time of my life. I'm not making fun of this person or anything like someone that is so expressed and just out there dancing like that, like Elaine on Seinfeld.

Speaker 3: 40:36

I love it. I love it. I want to join it because it's bold, right and you're feeling yourself and you're giving me all of the true you. I love that about teaching people to. They're there. I'm so scared I don't have sauce dance. I'm like a yes, you do be. You're about to learn how and see, whatever you do to move that body it's gonna be work, because that's you're like I didn't you know, I'll help you get things kind of toned in and, like you know, not going all crazy, but it's like I don't want you to have your own way. That you dance also, yeah, or that you dance. I really love watching people Truly be lost in the music yeah, mm-hmm. And especially when no drugs are involved, like, yeah, this is 100% me, oh, I eat it up. I eat it up. I love it.

Speaker 1: 41:22

Yeah, self expression and authenticity really seemed to be at the heart of your purpose and what you're passionate about, and I know you created this program.

Speaker 1: 41:31

Yeah, it's called match match Match education for children. I'd love you to to share a little bit about that because you know, I mentioned earlier I was nine and I went to an art school that half the day was the arts and the other half was academics, and I think if I wasn't in that scenario, I don't know how I would have survived my childhood. Genuinely. I do not know how I would have gone through a seven-hour day of just sitting at a desk.

Speaker 2: 41:59

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1: 42:00

I was just not wired for that, so I had wait.

Speaker 3: 42:03

Hold on, jessica, but you get that. That's why that was your journey, right? What do you mean? That's why you took that journey is because you wouldn't have survived without that. Yeah, I'm a big believer. There are no coincidences.

Speaker 1: 42:14

Oh, absolutely no, I mean I specifically yeah, I wanted to be an actor as a kid and I asked to go to the school, and it was a school you had to audition for.

Speaker 1: 42:23

I think they took 60 kids a year, but absolutely so. From grade four up until graduating high school I was always in an arts program, so most of my school day was doing that, and so I just feel so fundamentally, indimentally, how important that is for kids and how confusing it is to me that it isn't more integrated into the system for children. Yeah have more tools and access to self-expression in different ways. So can you tell us a little bit about what inspired you to create that?

Speaker 3: 42:51

Yeah, first of all, it's called match, and match stands for music, art, technology, culture and home act, and I don't say match for kids because it sounds like a dating website for kids and I don't want to go so and I really want this to work out, you know what I mean.

Speaker 2: 43:07

So I met my husband on match for adults, yeah so you can get why this sounds weird.

Speaker 3: 43:12

So, match, match education I'm educating kids, not hooking them up with each other. So one of the stories that I was gonna tell about the dancing actually kind of ties into this. So I met this girl like two years ago, in Juneteenth. This is like little Latina girl, she's like 12 years old and she was like giving it up at this Juneteenth. It's like this big event that everybody knows of in Denver where they do it outside there's like stages for different little mini concerts all around you can spice up from vendors, stuff like that. Anyways, in front of one of the big stages there's this little 12 year old Latino girl that was just like dancing her ass off, I mean on beat, and she's just like getting it and I'm like, oh my god. So actually she saw me dancing and she came to me first and she comes over to me and then I go oh my god, like I love the way you dance, and we just start dancing and we're just sitting there dancing for like 20 minutes. Her mom comes over to me and says to me she really likes the way you dance and she really likes you and your whole vibe and everything like that I'm telling you because she's deaf and I'm like what she's like? Yeah, she's listening to the music by, she's feeling the vibration on her on the ground, and so that's how she's so on beat, and she loves dancing. Oh, it's like I gotta love her even more. So I go there the next day and you know, they told me, you know, this is like she's dancing by herself and she's so expressed right now and we love it that she's with you and she's doing all this and all that kind of stuff. Like, oh my god, that's so cool.

Speaker 3: 44:29

Next day I go to the same place, the same Juneteenth celebration, and I walk out real quick to put something in my car and as I'm walking out, there's this group of like 10 people and they're coming for me and it is her with like grandma, grandpa, mom, dad, and they go. We heard so much about you. She wanted us to come today. We couldn't wait to meet you. That's why we came back and I was like, oh my god. And so you see what happens when you're self-expressed, and she went out there and she danced with me and she was all about that life and we're in contact now. We're Instagram friends, it's a whole thing, and so that is my goal.

Speaker 3: 45:02

I want all kids to feel that way. I want all kids to be self-expressed, because right now, today, schools. Well, first of all, we have the same setup since like I don't know how many hundreds of years. Why haven't we changed that? We don't even work in factories like we used to, which is why we had it set up that way.

Speaker 3: 45:18

It's very slow the progression of how Education is changing, and also, I think it's bullshit that we learn a whole bunch of stuff that we know for a fact we don't want to do when we're younger, right? So what if there was a place that existed that was like I could learn something that I can't learn in school, like if I'm 8-year-old boy and I know for a fact I want to be a fashion designer. That is my calling. Do you think there's a high school or a middle school or elementary school? I can go to learn that. No, but you can't it match. So what I provide kids with are classes and courses that are taught by people in the profession. The teach kids, didn't show them different options, you know, and I love doing it for the less privileged schools, because they look at mom and dad or just one single parent, and they see what they do and think that's what they have to do or what they're gonna do to. Yeah, and also there's this pressure. If I have to go to college too, I went to college, I graduated from college. It worked for me. It's not for everybody. So what if there was a system to wear? You know that thing, starving artists? You know why we have starving artists? Because we don't invest in them early. So this is what I'm doing.

Speaker 3: 46:26

I've done music production class, where you learn about, like, how to Produce your own music and make your own music and do your own beats. Oh my god, that was the coolest to watch kids do. I've done a wellness class. I've done a 3d printing class Wow, I've done a film class as well. I've done an acting improvisation class and Denver team that does improvisation in downtown Denver. They came to top that class like so I do? What I do is I raise money and I just take them to these schools and I just Talk to the principals that I have good relationships with. They're like alright, you got my kids for one day or for two days. I'm like sweet, I love doing it with fifth grade. This is fucking amazing. Fifth grade is a good age. Yeah, I love it. You know what I'm gonna do, and if anybody steals this idea, well, no, working for him, right.

Speaker 2: 47:06

Yeah, I'm gonna collaborate with you on this. This is, this is a chapter of I feel her wheels turning.

Speaker 3: 47:12

So you guys have seen X-Men right, you don't have. You don't know that much about X-Men to know this, but this is the best way to match it up. You know that X-Men house. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna build some badass kids with superpowers. I want a big-ass mansion. I want every single bedroom in that mansion to be turned into a classroom that is designed by kids.

Speaker 3: 47:32

Now, everyone's gonna be learning the same. You. You learn drawing. That's what you're doing. Like, however, you learn that's what we're gonna figure out a curriculum to make it for that. And in the kitchen, kids will be learning how to like be a chef and how to cook for the younger brother and sister, because mommy and daddy get Off work too late at night. So I am 10 years old cooking for my five-year-old little brother. You know, learn how to cook at this thing. In the yard, back in the garden, you're gonna be providing food for the chef and the garage. Learn how to change a tire or how to soup up your own car. In the basement, there's a music studio. Learn about contracts, all that kind of stuff.

Speaker 1: 48:03

Fashion designing, classroom all that kind of stuff. It's like a full. I'm not in grade five, but that's where I belong.

Speaker 3: 48:10

Yeah, we have political conversations in the living room and you can be on opposite sides, but we all get along together. Riches of the rich, kids, poor. So the poor. Everyone's learning from each other and this is their home. You have a problem with your mom and dad. You want to run away from home? You call the center. I'll have a counselor meet you there. You stay there, you stay safe. This is what's happening. That's my man, she, and it's happening. It's my five eight-year plan.

Speaker 1: 48:33

Can you imagine a world in which children from a very young age are taught that it's okay to be who they are and To love what they love and to explore their own passions, and that they don't need to be what other people tell them they have to be? What kind of world, yes, would we then have? Yeah, yes, I can't imagine it, and it looks amazing.

Speaker 3: 48:54

You know, I tell people to you hear these stories about people coming home and, you know, beating their spouse because they're unhappy at work or something happened. It's like we are so unhappy a lot of people are so unhappy because we're forcing these lives that we feel Like we didn't choose, because we didn't have the support of the knowledge of someone to help us, to guide us. You know what if, like little Tommy knew he wanted to be a comedian at five and everybody was on that game plan to make Little Tommy a comedian? Everybody the parents were, the teachers were everybody you better believe that when little Tommy was out of high school, he'd be hilarious, he'd be the best comedian movies. You know what I mean. Like what if everyone Invested in this person's dream? What if this little person didn't know their dream and everyone invested in them figuring that out? That's what this is gonna do.

Speaker 2: 49:40

Well, and that's who you're being, that's how I'm being as a mom, that's the opportunity that we have of anybody that chooses to be more self-express, because then you understand that you don't have to try to make Somebody be somebody that they're not.

Speaker 2: 49:54

they're not working on that, and yourself. So I think that we're starting to do that in our generation. We're starting to teach the kids that I love what you're building and I'm 150% on board with this and and then who their kids get to be, and the ripple effect of One person getting this from themselves yeah, just one is, yeah, amazing. The more that we can encourage and invite and teach people how and give them permission and show them, the more that we do that for the younger generations, the more that they do that and every generation moving forward gets to be more liberated in who they are. But, like it's not, yeah, but we're gonna make it the norm.

Speaker 3: 50:31

You know what I mean. I don't like talking about politics at all and I won't talk about politics, but I will say this that one thing that this whole entire world is confused about is that we think that all these shootings are about the guns. Right, and it doesn't matter if your foregons or against guns, it doesn't matter, none of that matters. But the point that I'm trying to make is that it's about who we're raising To be little, to be people in this world. How are we raising them? You know, how are we raising them that they are filled with so much hate, because you got to hate yourself so much, to kill so Many people and to be about killing other people.

Speaker 3: 51:02

You really do so. How do we get people, how do we get these kids to start loving themselves and being able to be who they actually are and feel that they actually are, like all these kids hiding from their sexuality and their identities and their gender and all of that? Oh my god, you want to get my day crying on the morning. You show me something about kids and them not being able to express themselves. Oh, it is heartbreaking.

Speaker 1: 51:25

This speaks to everybody. Though, this speaks to everybody. Yes we have to focus on the next generation, but everybody listening is going to feel that for themselves. I think the thing that breaks my heart the most is when people say well, that's just how the world is, that's just how the world works. And I hope that what we'll take from this conversation is that we choose.

Speaker 1: 51:49

We choose how the world is and we choose it for our own lives, and I think 100% what you're doing for kids and what you're, what you're representing in the way that you live, is that we get to make it any way we want, and I hope whoever is listening is able to take that away With them.

Speaker 2: 52:08

Yeah, thank you so much for being here Like this has been amazing and I love the permission that you are.

Speaker 3: 52:16

Mm-hmm. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I think these conversations are so important and for anybody listening to that struggling in that area, give me a call, we get you right.

Speaker 1: 52:27

I think everybody needs to call Shafaa.

Speaker 2: 52:31

I know Well, I live near you so we get to hang out and play.

Speaker 3: 52:35

Yeah yeah, Stalin folk calm.

Speaker 2: 52:37

That's where I'm at. I love it. Well, thank you so much. Thank you for spreading your light and your joy and for being brave enough to do it all over your life, all the time, and for Doing the work that you've had to do to be able to be that, because this wasn't who you were and you've been very intentional about becoming yeah, I would say it's always who she was.

Speaker 3: 52:56

Well, there was a true, yeah, I had to get those boundaries out the way.

Speaker 1: 53:00

But thank you again, to reiterate, thank you for doing the work to allow yourself to come forward. Yeah, I think you said something so important and so true around it's. I think we've mentioned this on the podcast before, but like who am I to? You know be all the things that I envision for myself. And I think the question is who am I not to? Because look at all of the people who are going to be gifted by the gift.

Speaker 1: 53:27

Yeah, you are yeah, and so thank you and it goes for you guys, for being brave enough to be you oh.

Speaker 3: 53:32

Oh, thank you. Thank you, thanks so much for having me. Ladies, this has been so great and really has and thanks you. You gave me the platform to be able to share who I am, and so I'm very appreciative for that too. Hmm, you're welcome, sweet. I'll come back here anytime you give me a call. And Jessica, yeah, you will talk also chiffon.

Speaker 1: 53:52

When's your birthday?

Speaker 2: 53:53

I knew you were wanting to know this, oh.